Based on Your Credit Score , You Qualify for the Following Subpar Human Abilities

I-70 Diner, Emma Lassiter

Invisibility while screaming.

Telepathy with those who secretly hate you.

Future sight for spoilers.

Time travel while experiencing diarrhea.

Summon comfort bees when distressed.

The ability to shapeshift into sex offenders.

Super speed within elevators.

Teleportation while crying.

Levitate objects within arm’s reach.

Continuous X-ray vision. You see only a world of bones.

The ability to smell ghosts around you.

Regeneration via seizure. 

The ability to talk to plants. Turns out they’re really racist.


About the Author

Seth Wade · University of Vermont

Seth Wade studies English and philosophy at the University of Vermont, where he’s currently finishing two senior theses. He’s previously been published in McSweeney’s, The Journal of Compressed Creative Arts, and The Gateway Review, and was a finalist for The Southampton Review‘s Nonfiction Prize for 2020. During his free time, he’s playing videogames or doting on his black kittens Edgar and Junji. This piece first appeared in The Gist.

About the Artist

Emma Lassiter · University of Central Arkansas

Emma Lassiter is a senior studying creative writing at the University of Central Arkansas where she is the Editor-in-Chief of The Vortex Magazine of Literature and Fine Art. She has interned with Et Alia Press and The Oxford American, and her photography has previously been published in Salmon Creek Journal. This piece first appeared in The Vortex.

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